I have decided that I will post regarding American Idol here on my blog as opposed to a certain television website that I adore and continue to read. Too many warnings for numerous arcane and confusing rules have driven me away.

American Idol Season 7, Episode 11, February 19, 2009: Top Twelve Boys

American Idol is a curious phenomenon for me. As many times as I say I am going to risk the temptation to watch and not get sucked into the swirling vortex of suck that is Randy, Paula and Simon, I find myself staring at the car wreck. Just can't look away. And for me, the more horrible the performances, the greater the enjoyment. As a singer and musician, sometimes a particular contestant comes along that I just want to hear more of (I'm looking at you Melinda Doolitle) so I keep watching in the hopes that I might actually be musically entertained.

And so we begin:

1. David Hernandez, 24 - Midnight Hour (Wilson Pickett) -David has decided to beat all the funk of Wilson Pickett's original out of the song and start off with funeral dirge-like organ. He picks up the pace after the opening 16 bars, but while he has a decently credible voice, I am bored to tears, until he tries to modulate the final notes up a step and his voice is cracking and sharp and my cat slams her head into the TV. Oh wait...I don't have a cat.

Judges: Randy says "Yo" 28 times in three seconds and gives some decently credible advice about David's long phrasing. Paula is tone deaf and intoxicated so I don't really care. Simon doesn't want to be super asshole-y with the first contestant and says it was better than he thought it was going to be.

Me: David was just okay. Mediocre performance with a horrendous ending. On a scale of 1 to 10, he earns a solid 5.8.

2. Chikezie Eze, 22 - "More Today Than Yesterday" (Spiral Staircase) With the intro, I thought he was going to sing Al Jarreau's "Mornin'." It is a bit lounge lizard, but my major problem is that he is a half step flat for the entire song. Please someone point it out.

Judges: Randy says "yo" again, but the one musician on the panel doesn't point out the very obvious pitch problems. Paula: "Blah, blah, you lost a lot of weight blah, blah." Simon rudely calls the guy jacuzzi and then gives him a fashion critique at which point Chikezie starts talking back and trying to dog Simon about his fashion choices. "Grey, black and white. Who's your stylist? Charlie Chaplin?" Bwah! Chikezie will be saying goodbye Thursday. Always to keep your mouth shut, smile and don't sass Simon.

Me: The salmon suit didn't bother me as much as his lack of being in tune. 5.5

3. David Cook, 25 - "Happy Together" (The Turtles) He will be this year's faux rocker. Starts out singing slow then picks up the tempo. This is one old looking guy. A bit yelly and unforgettable. Once again another contestant who really ranks out the final note.

Judges: Randy - "Dude, dude, that was crazy, dude, dude! Says he could see him in Alice in Chains singing that." WTF? And Layne Staley just rose from the dead and is coming to kick Randy's azz. Paula -""Blah, blah, blah, whateva. Simon: You almost made it believable, Huh?

Me: Another boring song. Where is the wow? 5.9

4. Jason Yeager, 28 - Moon River (Andy Williams, et al) Credible, but boring. The most I can say is that at least he was in tune the entire song.

Judges: Randy points out pitch problems I didn't hear. Paula: Blah, blah what Randy said. First ballet recital. Blah, blah. Simon says the performance was old. It was cruise ship.

Me. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 5.7

5. Robby Carrico - 26, Faux rocker #2 - "One" (Three Dog Night) - Rocker checklist - Long hair, check. Bandana, check. Chains, check, Leather wrist band, check. Once again, okay vocals. A little "too" stylized for a typical rock voice, but I sat up and took notice more than the others.

Judges: More of the same. Simon says it's the only peformance that made sense. Has he been in Paula's stash?

Me: Best so far and that's not saying much. 6.6

6. David Archuleta, 17 "Shop Around" Smokey and the Miracles - The kid's got a good voice, but he was forcing the higher notes and his voice was cracking something awful. If he keeps singing from the back of his throat like that his voice won't last three weeks.

Judges: Lurved him. WTF?

Me: Very "we've got to save the community center" for me. Nice kid. Yes. American Idol? NO! 5.8

7. Danny Noriega, 18: Jailhouse Rock (Elvis) - He should get together with David and they can BOTH save the community center. High School Musical 3! For my critique, see above. 5.6

Note: As these people bore me, I will write less and less.

8. Luke Menard 26, "Everybody's Talkin'" (Harry Nilson) - Please wake me when this is over. He's all over the place vocally. Mostly sharp. And that last falsetto note started my dog to howling. Oh wait... I don't have a dog.

Judges: Finally Randy points out someones's pitch problems. Simon calls it forgettable.

Me: I agree with Simon and Randy. 5.2

9. Colton Berry, 18 "Suspicious Minds" (Elvis) - Needs to join David and Danny in Blandy McBland Land. This performance was so vanilla it was like skim milk without the flavor. And that isn't a reference to this kid's ultra white skin (Get thee to the tanning bed, STAT!) He hits that big final note like he just did some shit. Whateva.

Judges: At this point I don't care.

Me: 5.5

10. Garrett Haley,17 "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" (Neil Sedaka) Did they have a sale on pasty young white boys at the American Idol casting store? Once again, credible voice and nice tone, but has problems with pitch in a couple of places. Loses it vocally at the end. Kind of like white bread and sliced American cheese.

Judges: Randy points out the pitchiness and Simon points out the paleness. Word!!!

Me: 5.4

11. Jason Castro, 20, - "What a Day for a Daydream" (Lovin' Spoonful) He has dreads. Playing the guitar. At least it's something new. A bit pitchy, but at least he's more memorable than the rest.

Judges: Simon liked it.

Me: 7.3

12. Michael Johns, 29 "Light My Fire" (The Doors) - Enunciating this song a little too much on the words fire, mire, pyre, higher. He's no Jin Morrison, but then again who is. The girls are going crazy, but it's probably the accent. Credible, but he is also shouting from the back of his throat.

Judges: Randy compares him to Michael Hutchence! Annnnnnnnndddddd...... Michael Hutchence joins Layne Staley on the dead rockers' march to Hollywood to find Randy and kick his azz! Simon loves him.

Me: Best of the night for me, but that isn't saying much. 7.5

I must be insane watching this crap. If this is the level of talent for this year, by the time we get to the top ten my entire review will be one word..."CRAP!"

Oprah...you've fucking lost me.
Of course by now you have heard the news of Oprah's "problem" at an Hermes boutique in France. Read about it here http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/06/23/AR2005062302086.html

Now I wasn't at the Hermes boutique on Rue de la Poopie Do or whereverthefuck it is, so I realize that my reaction to this incident is based on what I have read in the paper or seen on TV. And it is a visceral reaction kinda like my irrational hatred of Tom Cruise (that assclown needs to fall off the planet), but Oprah give me a muthafuckin break.

I haven't heard a word out of Oprah's mouth about the incident, but self described Oprah's "best friend" Gayle King goes on Entertainment Tonight waxing all philosophic about the incident. Gayle King...a person who is famous for being Oprah's best friend. Who can tell me one accomplishment that Gayle has had that didn't involve Oprah? Anyone? Ferris? Exactly!
The quick story:Oprah and her entourage showed up at the Hermes boutique at 6:45 pm and were denied admittance into the store. The Hermes' rep said the store closed at 6:30 and they were prepping for a private event.Gayle said that people in the store were shopping. The Hermes rep said that people in the store preparing for the event may have given Oprah the impression that folks were shopping.

All of this is speculation, but what blows me away is Gayle King's statement that Oprah said that, "This was one of the most humiliating moments of her life." Say WHAT!!!

Now as a black female journalist I have great admiration of Oprah and how she worked to become the richest black woman on the planet after basically starting with zip. Last time I checked, Oprah grew up poor and black in Mississippi; was sexually abused as a child; was a chronic overeater with a horrendous weight problem, but not being allowed entry into a store so she could go buy a $6,000 handbag is "one of the most humiliating moments of her life." My black ass has trouble paying the rent and Oprah is upset cause she couldn't go in a store and spend enough money on handbags and scarves to feed a family of four for several months.

I'm certain that Oprah could console herself by going home and filling her gold plated bathtub with hundred dollar bills and taking a dip.

Oprah has said that she will no longer be shopping at Hermes. Good on her, but was the company's sleight racist or just stupid? It was definitely stupid and it could be racist, but in my world where I struggle to make my car payments and pay for day care every month, do I really give a damn? Does Oprah need to devote an entire show to this? Hell, no.

There are wayyyyy too many problems out there that need attention, but once again the public will be consumed with shit that just doesn't matter very much in the bigger picture.

Good gravy why do I even have a blog? I'm averaging one post a year since I set this thing up. I mean I knew I was busy, but...whew!
But now folks (that I know and some that I don't) are pissing me off left and right so I feel the need to vent or spew or whateverthefuck it is to make sure my ass doesn't end up in a fetal position in the corner of the room sucking my thumb, pulling my hair, rocking back and forth and singing the alphabet song.

Heretowith, I vent:

Here in Northern Virginia police are frantically searching for little Tyreek Davis who has been missing for a week. Read the story here. http://www.fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2004/102004/10062004/1528619

This asshole Herman Black first tells the police that he left the kid in his truck while he went into a Wal-mart and when he came out the child was gone. That makes him a total nincompoop of the highest order anyway. Your ass needs to be drawn and quarter and stored under the jail for such a retarded move. But then to add insult to injury, after he's been in custody for five days (for child endangerment) Black then tells the cops that he "accidentally" left the child in the woods. How in the fuck do you "accidentally" leave a three year old child in the woods? Were you playing Hansel and Gretel? Little Red Riding Hood perhaps? Now the moron is telling police that he left the child in the woods near his brother's house while he went to go have lunch and buy some marijuana. Yeah folks, that would be my list of priorities if I was babysitting a three-year old. I pray that this kid is found unharmed, but I don't have a good feeling about the situation.

I discovered a blog from a cheating husband. How do I know he's a cheater? It was my friend he was cheating on. And my friend actually took him back. WTF? I might understand if this was an isolated incident, but it wasn't the first time and dare I say, I am almost certain it won't be the last. Ladies (and men) if you have a cheating spouse, it might be okay to forgive and forget the first time, but let's say it's happened four or five times? You are better off kicking that fucker to the curb and starting over. Save yourself the grief.

Bush and Cheney are colossal dicks! There I said it. And I mean it. If these fuckers get reelected I'm certain that there is a Tim Horton's in Montreal that will let me sling donuts for the next four years. During last night's debate, Edwards said America can't take four more years of Bush/Cheney. I know I sure as hell can't.

I am finding a bit of daily stress relief in playing Scrabble online. I am straight up addicted to it. Try it. You may find yourself taking less Prozac after a while.

Ahh, that felt good. I think I might have to do this two or three times a week to keep my sanity.

Damn, I haven't been here in a long time. I told you that work has been a mutha. Yeah and I too got caught up in the hype that is American Idol. I watched and listened. I was amazed that some of these people made it onto the show (the very tone deaf Carmen Yodel McGoat Rasmussen and Lance Corporal No-Talent Assclown come to mind). I fell in love with Kimberley Locke's voice. I'll buy her CD. And in the end we get Ruben "Larger than Life" Studdard and Clay "Jazz Hands" Aiken. I am glad Ruben won. I could see myself buying his CD. "Jazz Hands"...not so much. And all these fanatical "Clay-mates" who actually should call themselves Gay-mates, (not that there's anything wrong with that) who are screaming about a voting conspiracy need to get a life. It's a TV show. It doesn't cure cancer or world hunger and both of these guys are gonna be richer than anybody's business. Sarcasm alert!!!: I feel sooooooooo sad for both of them.

I want someone to please explain frickin' airline pricing to me. How come my parents can fly from Myrtle Beach, SC to Memphis for less than it will cost me to fly from D.C.? Makes no sense, especially when at my parents home airport you can't land anything bigger than a paper bag there.

Why do relatives think that when you move into a big house in a place that happens to be close to major tourist attractions, that they have the right to freeload during vacation time? Ooooo yes...come right in. I've been waiting all year for you to show up uninvited, dirty my house, and eat all of my f*cking food. Coming back next year? I'll be sure to save the date.

The b*tch that put her 2-year old in the washing machine What the hell was her problem? They should stuff her ass in a washer as punishment. I've got kids, but what the hell could a 2- year old do to you that would make you put her in the washing machine? Nothing, that's what. I know children can be bad, bratty little hellions, but that is uncalled for. What is she going to tell the judge: "Your honor, we were going to a party and she got a stain on her dress. We were passing the laundromat and I thought I'd save some time." Stupid ass.

I am completely new to this so bear with me. Work has been such a b*tch as of late that if I don't give myself a place to vent just a little, I may find myself naked on a rooftop with an AK-47. The Internet as self-counselor. What will TPTB think of next?