I have decided that I will post regarding American Idol here on my blog as opposed to a certain television website that I adore and continue to read. Too many warnings for numerous arcane and confusing rules have driven me away.

American Idol Season 7, Episode 11, February 19, 2009: Top Twelve Boys

American Idol is a curious phenomenon for me. As many times as I say I am going to risk the temptation to watch and not get sucked into the swirling vortex of suck that is Randy, Paula and Simon, I find myself staring at the car wreck. Just can't look away. And for me, the more horrible the performances, the greater the enjoyment. As a singer and musician, sometimes a particular contestant comes along that I just want to hear more of (I'm looking at you Melinda Doolitle) so I keep watching in the hopes that I might actually be musically entertained.

And so we begin:

1. David Hernandez, 24 - Midnight Hour (Wilson Pickett) -David has decided to beat all the funk of Wilson Pickett's original out of the song and start off with funeral dirge-like organ. He picks up the pace after the opening 16 bars, but while he has a decently credible voice, I am bored to tears, until he tries to modulate the final notes up a step and his voice is cracking and sharp and my cat slams her head into the TV. Oh wait...I don't have a cat.

Judges: Randy says "Yo" 28 times in three seconds and gives some decently credible advice about David's long phrasing. Paula is tone deaf and intoxicated so I don't really care. Simon doesn't want to be super asshole-y with the first contestant and says it was better than he thought it was going to be.

Me: David was just okay. Mediocre performance with a horrendous ending. On a scale of 1 to 10, he earns a solid 5.8.

2. Chikezie Eze, 22 - "More Today Than Yesterday" (Spiral Staircase) With the intro, I thought he was going to sing Al Jarreau's "Mornin'." It is a bit lounge lizard, but my major problem is that he is a half step flat for the entire song. Please someone point it out.

Judges: Randy says "yo" again, but the one musician on the panel doesn't point out the very obvious pitch problems. Paula: "Blah, blah, you lost a lot of weight blah, blah." Simon rudely calls the guy jacuzzi and then gives him a fashion critique at which point Chikezie starts talking back and trying to dog Simon about his fashion choices. "Grey, black and white. Who's your stylist? Charlie Chaplin?" Bwah! Chikezie will be saying goodbye Thursday. Always to keep your mouth shut, smile and don't sass Simon.

Me: The salmon suit didn't bother me as much as his lack of being in tune. 5.5

3. David Cook, 25 - "Happy Together" (The Turtles) He will be this year's faux rocker. Starts out singing slow then picks up the tempo. This is one old looking guy. A bit yelly and unforgettable. Once again another contestant who really ranks out the final note.

Judges: Randy - "Dude, dude, that was crazy, dude, dude! Says he could see him in Alice in Chains singing that." WTF? And Layne Staley just rose from the dead and is coming to kick Randy's azz. Paula -""Blah, blah, blah, whateva. Simon: You almost made it believable, Huh?

Me: Another boring song. Where is the wow? 5.9

4. Jason Yeager, 28 - Moon River (Andy Williams, et al) Credible, but boring. The most I can say is that at least he was in tune the entire song.

Judges: Randy points out pitch problems I didn't hear. Paula: Blah, blah what Randy said. First ballet recital. Blah, blah. Simon says the performance was old. It was cruise ship.

Me. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 5.7

5. Robby Carrico - 26, Faux rocker #2 - "One" (Three Dog Night) - Rocker checklist - Long hair, check. Bandana, check. Chains, check, Leather wrist band, check. Once again, okay vocals. A little "too" stylized for a typical rock voice, but I sat up and took notice more than the others.

Judges: More of the same. Simon says it's the only peformance that made sense. Has he been in Paula's stash?

Me: Best so far and that's not saying much. 6.6

6. David Archuleta, 17 "Shop Around" Smokey and the Miracles - The kid's got a good voice, but he was forcing the higher notes and his voice was cracking something awful. If he keeps singing from the back of his throat like that his voice won't last three weeks.

Judges: Lurved him. WTF?

Me: Very "we've got to save the community center" for me. Nice kid. Yes. American Idol? NO! 5.8

7. Danny Noriega, 18: Jailhouse Rock (Elvis) - He should get together with David and they can BOTH save the community center. High School Musical 3! For my critique, see above. 5.6

Note: As these people bore me, I will write less and less.

8. Luke Menard 26, "Everybody's Talkin'" (Harry Nilson) - Please wake me when this is over. He's all over the place vocally. Mostly sharp. And that last falsetto note started my dog to howling. Oh wait... I don't have a dog.

Judges: Finally Randy points out someones's pitch problems. Simon calls it forgettable.

Me: I agree with Simon and Randy. 5.2

9. Colton Berry, 18 "Suspicious Minds" (Elvis) - Needs to join David and Danny in Blandy McBland Land. This performance was so vanilla it was like skim milk without the flavor. And that isn't a reference to this kid's ultra white skin (Get thee to the tanning bed, STAT!) He hits that big final note like he just did some shit. Whateva.

Judges: At this point I don't care.

Me: 5.5

10. Garrett Haley,17 "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" (Neil Sedaka) Did they have a sale on pasty young white boys at the American Idol casting store? Once again, credible voice and nice tone, but has problems with pitch in a couple of places. Loses it vocally at the end. Kind of like white bread and sliced American cheese.

Judges: Randy points out the pitchiness and Simon points out the paleness. Word!!!

Me: 5.4

11. Jason Castro, 20, - "What a Day for a Daydream" (Lovin' Spoonful) He has dreads. Playing the guitar. At least it's something new. A bit pitchy, but at least he's more memorable than the rest.

Judges: Simon liked it.

Me: 7.3

12. Michael Johns, 29 "Light My Fire" (The Doors) - Enunciating this song a little too much on the words fire, mire, pyre, higher. He's no Jin Morrison, but then again who is. The girls are going crazy, but it's probably the accent. Credible, but he is also shouting from the back of his throat.

Judges: Randy compares him to Michael Hutchence! Annnnnnnnndddddd...... Michael Hutchence joins Layne Staley on the dead rockers' march to Hollywood to find Randy and kick his azz! Simon loves him.

Me: Best of the night for me, but that isn't saying much. 7.5

I must be insane watching this crap. If this is the level of talent for this year, by the time we get to the top ten my entire review will be one word..."CRAP!"